An apology

Welcome to the new blog! I have been laying low for about a year, for reasons which I will explain someday in blog format. But to kick things off, here's something I posted on Facebook to clear the way for me to be able to blog again with a clear conscience.

I want to apologize to you guys. I feel like I got super bitter over the last two months, and it started to show in my Facebook activity. I've probably been weird on Facebook for the last year, actually. My life went through a lot of dramatic changes very quickly, and I lost a lot of friends. We lost momentum on the business because of my team's personal affairs, so I lost a big part of my identity as well. Or, I could put it more actively: I sacrificed the downtown popularity and startup identity when God made it clear he was offering me something more wonderful: a chance to be part of Kyle's Christian conversion, and then, later on, marriage to Kyle (who had been my business partner). He and I had become best friends. I had prayed for him and his ex fervently for the three years I worked with them. It was stunning beyond words to witness so much of his conversion.

When his relationship ended, God worked on us separately for several months and eventually brought us together in a new way. That probably scandalized a lot of people, and I totally understand. At times, the whole thing is very surreal to me. But life doesn't always go the way you expect.

My choice to follow God's will for my life has cost me, and even though the fallout that ensued was logical, it was easy to grow bitter in the midst of it. I should be stronger than that, I should be more loving, but in the natural, I am weak, and I don't love all that well. That's been my own humbling cross as of late, that I can't possibly live up to my own standards. That I had allowed myself to grow bitter made me even more bitter, and so on and so forth...

So I'm sorry. I feel like I've been a terrible example of Christ's love lately. Really, the words "Christ's love" and "Sarah Weik" don't feel like they have much in common lately, so I've got to change. Even if you don't agree with my life choices, I can still pray for you, I can still have a heart for you. I don't want to be bitter, and I have lost interest in being a snarky, overly-political Christian, as tempting as that is sometimes. It doesn't seem to do much for bridge building, or conversation; it's just polarizing, and then everything I write becomes a waste of time.

Admitting all this to myself, and to Kyle in some heated discussions where he pointed this out to me, was difficult; but my prayer life was suffering, and I felt all junky inside. Sometimes, a good dose of humiliation is just what I need to kick start my spiritual life again.

"The more one advances in the practice of virtue, the more permeated must he be with humility... Now the acts proper to humility, or the occasions which give opportunity to exercise it, are 'humiliations.' Like all virtues, humility springs from a light. This light is a supernatural one, which manifests to us our own helplessness, nothingness, and misery...

"We ought not only to practice humiliation but to love it. Is it possible to love humiliation? If humiliation be considered only in itself, certainly not. But if we take into account that humiliation is the absolutely indispensable condition of God's lowering Himself to the soul, enriching it with His highest graces and lavishing upon it the most wonderful gifts of His love--is not humiliation then made lovable? Someone has said that 'at the bottom of humiliations accepted, one finds peace.' And so it is. For in humiliations one finds God."
-Jose Guadalupe TreviƱo, Rules for the Spiritual Life (emphasis mine)

If I thought too hard about this, fears would creep in. "How silly you will look, Sarah." "Stating all this won't make a difference anyway." "You have ruined your good name."

I have mulled these over in excess, and I became miserable. I felt stuck, like I couldn't talk about God when I knew I was derelict in demonstrating the love of God. I had two options: refuse to acknowledge any of this, retreat to the Helm's Deep of self-preservation, and slowly rot away in irrelevance, never converting another soul as long as I live, never inspiring another reader as long as I live; or I could "ride out and meet" with whatever impotent "flack" I might receive from being vulnerable. The choice, for anyone who desires inner peace, and God's glory, is simple.

So I am venturing forth with this post blindly, or more accurately, with blinders on:

"This is simplicity, a virtue that is inseparable from charity, inasmuch as it looks straight to God, without ever permitting any admixture of self-interest. It would otherwise no longer be simplicity, for that virtue cannot endure any addition of creatures or any consideration of them. Love God in simplicity of heart, having but one aim and object in all you do."
-St. Francis de Sales, The Art of Loving God

Maybe you haven't noticed any of this, maybe you're confused by this post, but I just felt like I needed to say something, to apologize, to be vulnerable, to pave the way for me to be a more well-rounded, bighearted, humble Christian, so I can get back to what I love the most: Writing about God.

Sarah Weik

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